I find myself in a really good mood these days. It's pretty hard to explain the current feelings inside without going thru some past .

Ken and I have been thru a TON getting to this point. I can't even believe how much invasive stuff that we've had to endure from doctors, friends, and family in the past 10 years. I think probably the holidays are the worst. Let's face it. All the holiday events are for seeing the grand kids. We don't have any, so it becomes the most apparent at those events. Don't even get me started about freaking family photos. Anyway, extended family parties are probably even worse because assumptions just get made about our situation. We don't see those people very often, so we don't feel like explaining our situation. We just go along with the line of "someday we might have kids", or "we're having a great time as we are now". I'm sure I tried to give the impression to as many people as possible that we didn't want to have children. That made it much easier because people stopped questioning our situation. The problem with that road, however, was that people didn't know they were treading on fragile ground when they went on and on about their happy family lives.

I really think that everyone has a lot of crap that they deal with in their daily lives, and their issues are big to them. Ken and I know that, so we don't walk around feeling sorry for ourselves. We embrace the life we are given and enjoy it to the max. Unfortunately, the sadness and grief still exist inside. Fortunately, we have this awesome relationship that somehow manages to make even the worst day ok. So, we kept pushing forward thru the holidays, thru the years, and thru the medical exams, procedures, and drugs. We came to the conclusion that we had each other, and if that was all we were going to get, then we were truly lucky.

After the last in-vitro procedure failed in October of '03, we had a final conversation about adoption. It had been in the backs of our minds for many years, but we knew we had to go thru all the options for a biological child first. We had to know that we were able to give up on the hope for my carrying our child and blah blah blah. It was a hard call to make, but I called the adoption agency for information. I did this before we got the results from Uconn with their explanation for the in-vitro failure because we were ready to move on. Once I made the call, I started to feel some hope again. It's not new to feel this hope because we felt it before every procedure and test along the way. We are pretty used to feeling hope and then not shortly after. It's not like we ever felt hopeless. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but us. It's hard to explain. You don't feel hopeless because you have each other.

Anyway, since October, I've been feeling lighter, happier. Now that we're full swing into the application process we are using phrases like "when our baby comes", and "the baby's room". It's so un-freaking-believable. All our marriage we weren't able to use "baby" in an affirmative way. Now we can. I guess thru all those years I was more sad than I was willing to admit. I probably knew that if I had opened the door to those feelings, I probably would have ended up in a well of self-pity so deep that nobody would have been able to pull me out. Now, I can come to terms with all that sadness and let it go. I think as more of it leaves my body, I'm rediscovering a lot of sunshine. Of course, I'm freezing my butt off today, but my heart is warm. Ok, for those that know me, this is sounding really queer. I've been trying to warn you all that once I get called "mommy" by my child, all bets are off. I hope I don't lose my membership in the "one of the guys club", but I may need to take a temporary leave of absence while I figure out the balance.

By the way, if one more person says "you know what's going to happen now that you're adopting", I'm going to pluck their eyeballs out of their head. If it were that easy, we would have sent in the paperwork 10 years ago. Most of those people that it happens to have NOT been thru all the procedures we have or for as many years. Not to mention, we heard everyone say that same thing when we built our first house and our second house. It didn't happen. So, please, lay off and just be happy for us and stick to riding the adoption train with us. Thanks.

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I feel bad when people ask what's new and I say "Nothing much". I'm sure some are just making conversation but some are probably showing interest in the adoption process. It's just hard to go thru everything from start to finish every time I run into someone. Everyone knows how much I hate to repeat myself, but it's hard not to in a situation like this. I want to let everyone in on the baby stuff, but at the same time I don't want to bore everyone to tears. This is such a long, drawn out process, that not much changes day to day. I'm hoping people tune into the web site to get the details that they would like. I also hope people don't think I'm being a jerk when I'm vague. I don't want my whole life to revolve around the adoption. I want for Ken and me to be able to still have our normal life while we wait. I figure it's not something we'll be able to get back once the kid gets here, so we need to be able to hang onto it for as long as we can. Eh, and on the other hand, I want to only talk about when the kid comes. You can't have it both ways, but I guess that's part of being me. I want it all, but at the same time I want nothing. Go figure, right?

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Today would have been Ken's (my stepfather) birthday. It's such a bummer that he's not around. He really loved his grandchildren, and he's missing out on meeting mine. I'm sure he's looking down on us, but it would have been pretty cool to have been able to see him hold our kids.

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I worry sometimes about raising a non-vanilla kid in a very vanilla town. I realize there are other families who have adopted internationally in Hebron. There are even other families who have adopted from Korea in Hebron. I just don't want to be the family with the Korean kids, or for my kids' identity to be that they are Korean first, and everything else second. The agency really stresses the whole cultural heritage thing. They have lots of events so that you can be sure your child has opportunities to know where he came from and what his country is about. I think that's great, but my kids will also be American. I want them to wear blue jeans, flannel shirts, and work boots.

When I voice my concerns to people in town, I hear stuff like "The Korean kids are so happy", or "The Korean kids are so good". When I hear things like that, it seems like general judgments are made about Korean kids. It's going to be hard to not pick apart everything everyone says - especially since I seem to be looking for the wrong words and focusing on them. Some of the "wrong" words aren't even racial and tug at my second worry of just raising an adopted kid. Like when I make a comment about sports or other interests, and someone says something about it being inherited.

I've always been a bigger believer in nurture over nature, so it's not hard for me to believe my kids will be a lot like Ken and me. What will be hard is when people who believe more about genetics downplay that belief. If my kids are smiling all the time, its not going to be because they are Korean. It's going to be because their Dad is always smiling. Hopefully people will see that and all the other things that we, our families, and friends pass along.

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I'm going to warn you now. I'm PMS-ing to the max, so this entry is pretty much a pity party. I apologize in advance..

It's funny how many people ask how much this whole adoption thing costs. Sometimes I'm pretty vague about it, and sometimes I give some figures that are kind of close. I rarely give actual costs. It's funny that I don't say since anyone could find out just by requesting an information packet from the agency. It's also kind of funny why people even ask. I understand the questions from the people who have been or might be thinking about taking the route, but why do the other people ask?

Between the new house, the infertility treatment/drugs, and all the baby stuff,it's pretty amazing what we've handed out in the past few years. We're taking a short vacation this year, and I can hear it already. "They whine about all the costs, but they can still go on vacation. It can't be that bad." Well, it is.

Here's the thing. We both have decent jobs and save a lot. I've always figured that we would be able to provide just about anything our kids wanted. I had the nursery etc. all "designed" in my head. I had college and "fun" stuff all set too. Now, we (probably just me - ha!) are having to make a lot of adjustments. I know it doesn't matter what kind of crib the kid is sleeping in as long as it's safe, but I should be able to have my little "snobby" room. I know, I know. You're thinking, "How shallow". You're right. I know it too, but I can't help it. You get those Pottery Barn catalogs, and you say, man that would be sooo cool. Well, after ten years, you can imagine the room I've built in my head! Let's just say the kid was pooping in golden diapers!

Anyway, I whine because all my dreams of how parenthood was going to be for us didn't happen. I whine because people just don't get what it's like to not be able to have a traditional family like everyone takes for granted. I whine because I had to shoot 2-3 needles a day for over a year for nothing. I whine because I don't get maternity leave because my baby will be adopted. I whine because Ken and I will never get to feel our baby's first kick. I whine because I never got to hide little booties in Ken's lunch bag to surprise him that I was pregnant. I whine because I'll never be able to look into my child's face and see Ken's eyes twinkling back at me. I whine because I have to "buy" a baby. I whine because we'll probably have to take out a loan to have a second baby. I whine because life isn't fair. I whine because it's what makes me Amy.

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We went crib shopping over the weekend. Yes, very exciting! I had done some on-line looking at Babys R Us and Pottery Barn, but it was really cool to actually go out with Ken and really be shopping around. Of course, we aren't ready to buy one yet, but I just want to get my ducks in a row. This way I already have everything all set when we're ready to go. I had originally decided not to make any purchases until we had a referral, but the time between referral and delivery could be as short as two months, so we figured we shouldn't wait that long for the bigger stuff. Plus this will allow us to kind of budget as we go. Man, I'm an over-planner or what! ;o)

Anyway, I had decided to get one of those convertible cribs. They're pretty cool because they go from crib to toddler bed to regular bed. However, when I was looking at them it finally dawned on me that most of those beds end up as a double or full size bed. The bedrooms aren't really big enough for such big beds, so we decided to go back to a regular crib. We may still get a convertible one, but it doesn't have to include a regular bed version. So, off we went to Puritan. (Well, actually we headed to Mitchell's for breakfast first, but that was a given. I mean, Puritan is like right next door!) By the way, you might want to click on the pictures to get a better look at the details.

Of course, the sales people come at you like piranhas. We check out the first crib we see and it was so awful. I mean, it was so loud bringing the side up and down that not even Ken would be able to sleep thru it. It was also so thin and cheesy. We headed further back. There were a few that we liked here. We found two Mooseheads that were full convertibles.

The first one had really nice furniture to go with it. I really liked the headboard too, but since it converts to a big bed, the side rail (future headboard) is solid. I think the kid would like to see out all sides, but if it goes against the wall, then it really wouldn't matter. The second Moosehead was kind of boring, but I liked the curves, and it also was really solid and quiet. Puritan had other brands, but the Moosehead cribs seemed to be the most solid.

There was a Pali that was pretty. It didn't convert, but by this point we realized that converting really didn't matter. I liked the pseudo-sleigh style. I also liked that it was open from all four sides and the slats were wide. The last Puritan crib was also pretty traditional. It had a really nice solid curve, and the color was nice. We liked the drawer on the bottom, too. The Pali also had that feature. It's probably a good place for storing sheets and stuff.

We left Puritan and headed over to Babys R Us. I had wanted to get a look at the 2-handed release. I had read that kids can figure out the 1-hand release and climb out. I know it can be a pain to get the kid in when you need two hands, but we figure we would just keep the rail down when nobody's in it. Although, we know it will be a challenge to keep Max out! Unfortunately the ones we liked were all one handed entry. Most are, so maybe only the height of the rail matters for keeping the kid in his cage.

I found "THE" crib at Babys R Us. The only problem was the finish. It only comes in natural, and I think that will be just a little too contemporary for me. I'm not going to take it off the list yet, though. It had these great side drawers attached to the crib. It also converts all the way to a regular bed, but it doesn't use a long side rail as a head board. It uses one of the short sides, instead. That's perfect because that would be a regular twin bed. It also had one of those underneath drawers. Supposedly you can use the top of the side drawers for a changing area, but I think you need to be like 6 feet to do that. (Ken said he would get me a step stool. He's too kind, blah!) Anyway I really like that one, but we did also see another one there and it had "signs", so maybe it's "THE" crib. The name of the crib is "Picket Fences" (sign one). The bedding displayed in the crib was "Barnyard" (sign two). I thought I took a picture, but I guess I didn't. Ken had picked up a flyer so I scanned it in. It also had great furniture that goes with it. The changing table, which is something I wasn't going to get, converts to a dresser and a night stand. So, that's pretty cool. We also went to a third store. They make all their furniture except for the cribs. We saw another sleigh style crib that was nice, but I think we're going to keep the decision between Puritan and Babys R us.

Once we get this figured out, it's off to to search for strollers. Although, that one will be harder since we won't know how big the kid will be. Maybe we'll move onto bedding instead so we can paint and decorate the room. I think that sounds like more fun anyway.

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It's funny because I'm sure people are thinking that because of the adoption, I'm all of a sudden all "culturally aware". I've actually been "aware" pretty much my whole adult life. I think that's why I like animals. They don't care what you look like or where you're from. It's just about food, shelter, and love. On the other hand, we humans are all about culture, or rather non-culture. We all try to blend in as best as we can, but the problem with that is we ignore too much that could be celebrated. When I was little there were no books or cartoons with any kids who had glasses. If there were, they were always the nerdy kids who when they took their glasses off, became the Prom King or Queen. I'm also talking about going to the store to buy a card for my niece. Pretty much all the cards are white babies. I can find the occasional black baby and sometimes even a Latino card, but that's it. I go to the book store, and all the baby books are white babies. The black baby books are written for white kids to not be prejudice against black kids. I'm not really trying to teach a one-year-old a lesson like that. I'd rather teach the lesson that she's just a kid.

I want to be able to open a book and have some kid in the story not be white. You'd think that with the number of Asians, Blacks, and Latinos in this country, there'd be more story books with kids of other colors. Yeah sure, I can order a Chinese Folk Tale book from Amazon, but why can't I just walk into Barnes & Noble? Thanks goodness for Dora the Explorer and Rugrats! I guess it's slowly happening. Disney has one or two non-white heroines..

At the pre-adoption class, I brought this issue up. We were discussing the concept of a transracial family (yeah, apparently interracial is no longer politically correct), and I asked how you "get over" the lack of non-white stuff out there for your baby. All I got in reply was that it was good that I was aware, and that my awareness would be good for the child. Great, but what does that mean?? It certainly doesn't give me any answers or directions for answer.

I have no intention of raising Reggie as Korean, but he really is Korean. Unfortunately, I'm not embracing the culture like Liz and Joe. It is unlikely you'll find any Korean Art in my home. I suppose if I find a Korean cow, I'll put that up, but other than that, I don't see it happening. It's also not like Ken and I will suddenly be eating rice or seaweed, either. I need to figure out a way to embrace his differences without making him feel "different". It will probably be better when we get his sister. At least then there will always be someone else at home that looks like him. Plus he'll have his cousin who will look close enough. You know how all those Asians look alike... always happy and smiling! Ha! Ugh.

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So I went out today and made our first quasi-baby purchase! I got the stuff for the kids' bathroom. Ok, so not a big, dramatic thing, but pretty exciting anyway. I had three designs in my head that I liked. One was ducks (like the traditional rubber ducky), one was frogs, and one was dogs/cats. I really thought I was going to do the ducks because it was really cute and traditional. I was even all set to paint the walls a yellow/orange. Well, I ended up getting the dogs/cats. It's also really cute, but there's a lot more colors to work with. I picked up all the accessories that I would use plus the mat. Hopefully the cats don't shred the mat. One side is loopy, and the other side is sheared. As long as I don't use the loopy side, I should be ok.

I'll bring some of the stuff to the paint store next week to have the lady help me pick out the paint for the walls. I want to combine 2 colors and do some kind of treatment. I don't know if I'll use a sponge, stencil giant polka-dots, or some other thing. Hopefully she'll have some suggestion when she sees the colors.

(By the way, hopefully everyone realizes Reggie Jackson is the code word for the baby. Until he gets a name of his own, he has to carry the weight of #44. Such pressure, right??)

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Ken and I had some family events to go to this weekend (well, actually all three days!), but it was good. We got to talk about Reggie to people other than ourselves! Ha! Seriously, though, it's really amazing how much love we hear from people. I know our site gets a lot of hits, but people are really reading the stuff I'm spewing in this journal. Esta even got me a few baby books that have all different kinds of babies in the pages! (Thanks again Esta!) At Madison's baptism party, I was even asked how the bathroom was going and if I had done any other shopping. It's really fun to be able to share all this stuff with everyone. When you adopt, you read about how hard it can be because you don't "show" like a biological pregnancy. I think I would beg to differ a little bit on this. I hear that I actually do glow. I know what the books and articles mean, but I wonder if the adoptive parents who are not "showing" are maybe not sharing enough. Maybe they feel uncertain about people's reaction to their need or desire to adopt. I can assure them that people really just want another baby around. I mean watching everyone fight over Madison (Liz/Joe's new baby) pretty much proves it to me. She's just another baby. Although we all know, she's not "just another". We all know adopted kids are chosen and are wanted beyond anything ever imagined.

By the way, the bathroom is all painted. You can't really see the apple colored splashes on the yellow wall, but I'm going to play a little more and see what happens. I may have to just paint over it and leave it as yellow. And for those playing at home... If you put green over yellow, you get aqua. Stupid paint store guy probably should have mentioned that to me. I had a lot of other photos and stuff to post today, but maybe I'll post a picture of the results later.

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Ken and I bought the wallpaper border for Reggie's room last week. It's farm animals! (surprise, surprise, yah right!). I couldn't find the wallpaper on the web site, but I found a picture of the blanket and bumper. The border is a lot like the bumper but the background colors for the animals are swapped. (You can click on these pictures, too, like you can for photos to get a bigger views.)

I went to the paint store yesterday and got a few ideas for the colors to paint above and below the border. I think I got it all figured out, so next week I'll get the paint (the light red in the samples for below the border and a beige for above). Hopefully I'll be painting next weekend. It will keep me occupied during March Madness. Yes, the boy, Ken not Reggie, is at home enjoying Day 2 of the madness. Can you believe he's using vacation days that could be spent with Reggie?? Yah, of course you can. Me too! Ha! What can you do?

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We went to the "Waiting Parents" meeting last night and met two people waiting for news for when their sons will arrive from Korea. The meeting started with saying your name and where you are in the process. As soon as we heard where they were, we only wanted to talk to them. I guess we can call one of the names on our reference list, but we'd rather speak to someone who just went to Korea or the airport to get their baby. Neither of them are traveling to Korea because they have another child at home. The more we talk about it, the more we're leaning towards not going either.

When we received our "Welcome" packet, there was information about traveling to Korea. We already knew traveling had no impact on when Reggie would be delivered, but we still thought it might be a neat thing. When Liz sent pictures from China, it was nice to have those photos with Madison in them. That's not how it works for Korea. First, the travel doesn't happen in groups. You go as an individual couple. It might work out that there are others going when you go, but it isn't organized like that. There isn't anyone to meet you at the airport or show you around. The other thing is they don't hand over the kid until you're ready to leave. I guess you get there and the paperwork starts. It takes a day or two, so you spend that time sight-seeing, or whatever. When they are done, they give you the paperwork and the baby, and you can go home. Of course, you could stay as long as you want, but we'd want to get home with Reggie right away. So, it would really just be Ken and me wandering around waiting for them to hand off the baby. We're figuring if Reggie1 or Reggie2 want to go when they are older, we can take a family trip. It will still be a really long trip with kids, but at least they will have a memory of it. Plus we can learn about their country together.

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Ok, so I guess the waiting gets harder when you get closer to something that can happen. Right now we're waiting for the referral. I figured it would probably happen next week, but judging by the next app date waiting for a referral (3/2), which is 10 days before ours, next week doesn't seem likely. I had really hoped to have a face to make it a more real Mother's Day. Oh well, now we'll have to hope we get it in time to make it a real Father's Day ,instead. I think we have a MUCH better chance for that since that's more than 3 months after our application date. It also pushes the "something that can happen" far enough away to not make it feel like waiting. We are going on vacation next week to Vegas. That should be a great time, and now that I won't be thinking that the referral is waiting for us when we get back, we can really focus on just having a good time. That was our plan, but I know I would have been thinking of the referral in the back of my mind the whole time. Although I'll probably let Joselyn know where we are just in case! Ha!

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It's kind of funny because lately it seems like every time I update the adoption process log, I get something in my head to enter in the journal, too. I was thinking about the couples who changed their minds about their referred child. I really hope Ken and I don't end up in that position. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for them. I know it is a personal decision and nobody's business, but I'm sure it would be awful having to deal with the aftermath on top of just the general feeling of loss.

I realize that when you have a bio-kid, you don't get to pick sex, health, etc, but in a way you do. You have the option to eat well, exercise, not take certain medicines, not smoke, avoid chemicals, etc. Some of these children are being born with exposure to some bad stuff. I would imagine some mothers might also be less than honest, so the agency may have no idea of the potential problems of a child. Also, there are many tests that can be done before or during a pregnancy that may not be available in other countries. It's true that Korea's medical system is supposed to be comparable to Western medicine, but there may be some shortfalls. I mean there's shortfalls right here in the USA depending on where you live or how much insurance/money you have. What a bummer. I hope they don't have to wait too long for another referral.

So I was also thinking that we should be getting the referral soon. I think since we got bumped down from #2 to #4 due to those 2 couples, it will be another 2 weeks, but who knows. All I know is that we really need to get a name. Once we have a picture, "Reggie" won't really cut it anymore. I was up googling boys names, and I still haven't hit anything that gives me a spark. I really like Sam, but Ken hasn't really turned onto that yet. I still like Josh, and Ken does, too, but, man, I don't know. It's so much easier naming a dog. Both Sam and Josh are way up there for popularity. Jacob was another name I was into, but that's been #1 for the last 4 years! I saw a suggestion to start reading the birth announcements to get a feel for the popular names. I mean a popular name isn't bad, but I'm hoping he's not 1 of 5 Jacks in his kindergarten class.

It's also pretty cool to think that he's probably already born. I was supposed to be keeping a journal so I could answer him when he asks what I was doing when he was born, but of course, it didn't happen. Hopefully I can figure it out. Maybe we were in Vegas. Yah, that would be great. Mommy and Daddy were in sin city, baby! Ha! Maybe he's a she! That would be even funnier. Imagine all this effort to come up with a boy's name for nothing.

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When we started this journey some of our friends were concerned that Ken and I would slip out because of the wee one. I don't plan on backing out of friendships, but things will change. I mean, they'll have to. We will have to pick and choose what parties we go to and how often we kayak, bike, or golf. I guess the event will have to "rate" getting a babysitter, which means the casual drop by would probably drop off. Everyone says we can just bring the kid along, but when he's getting into their cabinets or breaking their knickknacks, they'll be changing their tunes pretty fast. It's funny how "non-kid-proof" a regular house is. On Mother's Day, Madison went right over to my cabinets, which of course, are filled with glass pans, cleaners, and other things that would either suck to clean up or be bad for her. I'm sure our friends have pretty much the same situation in their homes, too. Plus, chasing a kid when I want to be hanging out at a party would be a drag, too. I can hear Ken complaining already on his "non-drinking" turn, "One beer isn't going to matter". He's already trying to stake claim to that, which is pretty funny. Reggie is a million miles away, but he's working on his rationalizing now!

We did find out one thing, though. We always liked that our stairs were by the garage, but that turns out even better with a kid. One gate blocks the upstairs, basement stairs, and bathroom. That was nice, although Max doesn't much like that he also is blocked out!

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We got our referral today! I'm not ready to write down anything about that just yet. I want to let it sink in a bit. For now, I will say that both Ken and I are very excited (understatement). It's so awesome to be so much closer. I'm sure I will feel much more excited when I get the photo. I wanted to share some well-wishes we received (not including those in the guest book). Thanks everyone, but now is when the crazy time begins, so watch out, man!

Rick F: Wow, great news - congratulations!!
Candi: WHAT FANTASTIC NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cindy: Yay! I'm so happy for you. Hey, Parker is a nice name, even for a middle name.. Kind of modern sounding but not too weird or common.
Andree: Congratulations!!! I got chills when I read your email (the good kind!). I look forward to seeing a picture. You'd better get busy lady! All that shopping, decorating, organizing!
Wayno: oh exautledqueenducasteleweiss: a most heartfelt congratulations from one of your lowly subjects: he is most fortunate to have u&ken as his parents, (care to adopt a 46 yr old? and he's housebroken - just need to be fed cans of bud - du- weiser .......)
Rick S: can i be the first to say....HIP HIP HOON HAY!
Esta: Yahoo!!!!! What wonderful news!!!!! But another March baby!!!!! Can't wait for an update. Love to you both. Esta
Fran: AWESOME NEWS! AWESOME ICE CREAM! THANKS! Good Luck!!!
MJ: OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she sent another one: I'm so excited, I can't focus on my work. I can't even imagine you guys !
Lucy: wow, I'm in NY and I'm crying at my desk with excitement for you both!!!!! congratulations, this is wonderful news
Johnboy: Cindy and I send our mutual Congratulations to You and Ken... or should I say Momma and Poppa Weiss.....and here's to the newest youngest member of Weiss castle ... Young Prince Joon He .....
Paul H: congrats, I was in Ken's office earlier and he told me while sipping his frosty freeze shake thing - wasn't that nice of you to bring him. hope you're right and he's here by the end of August, I'll keep my finger's crossed.
Denise: Thanks for sharing the GREAT news! That's awesome. Congrats!
Dory: Amy and Ken, Congratulations!!!
Sue F: Amy & Ken, What wonderful news!! I am so happy for you guys. We'll be checking the website for our first peek at the little fellow!
Jeff: Hey mom..... You know of course that Karen and I are really excited for both of you. We wish you all the best and just can't wait to meet Joon He or Reggie as we like to call him. We should get together this weekend and celebrate.
Dean: I just looked at your web site! What exciting news! You must be beside yourself! Woo hoo!
Karen P: Yeah BABY!!!!! Number 4 must be your new lucky number!!!! That is incredible news -- can't wait to hear more about him -- I am not sure if I will get to your site today, I think an excellent name would be "Parker" in light of the name the birth mother gave him. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Kevin D: Congratulations! Electronic letters seem to be quite the understatement. I'm happy for you and Ken. Really cool news.

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It's kind of weird. I'm not as excited as I thought I would be. I hear the real excitement in other people's voices, and I almost think they are more excited than me. It's been quite a journey to get to this point, so you would think that finally knowing my baby is out there and will be in my arms in a few months would have me hanging from the ceiling. I don't know why I'm not. I guess it's that the referral was just another step towards the end, but we still have a long wait to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have no idea how long the tunnel is. It's hard to be excited when I don't know how to gauge the excitement. You know how it starts slow, builds up, and then peaks right before the event? Well, how to do you do that when you don't know where the apex is.

This whole baby thing has been SO many steps, more steps down than steps up, so it's hard now. I think, until he's wailing his lungs out in his crib, it's just not going to be a big deal. Or maybe I just need to see his picture. Ugh!

It's all so happening outside of us, that it's hard to "feel" it just yet. I guess this is what pregnancy is like for men. You know there's a baby coming, but you have nothing going on inside to make you physically feel a baby is coming.

I haven't let myself get all "involved" in the "babyness" in any of the process yet. Yes, I've gone crib shopping and we painted his room, but I really haven't gotten "into" the thick of it. I know part of me is just so afraid of another disappointment. I can't explain how deep the pain goes from all the downs along the way. Even adopting is kind of another down because it's the final acceptance that we won't have a bio child. Don't get me wrong. Reggie 1 and Reggie 2 will be THE MOST amazing gifts in my life, and I won't EVER want to give them up, but I know I will always want another child in addition to them that was a bio kid.

They talk about all the stuff that the child and birth parents go thru in the adoption process, but they never talk about the down side for the adoptive parents. The focus is always on the amazing part, but the other part is ignored. I wonder why that is. It's such a big part of it for many adoptive parents. Yes, our dream is to be parents and we will fulfill that dream, but another part of my dream is to be actually pregnant. That dream goes unfulfilled and, oh I don't know. 1-800-SHRINK, right?

I know I just need to take the risk and jump off of the baby cliff, but man, if the next disappointment is the one that breaks the camel's back, where are we then?

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OK, so I bummed everyone out yesterday. Yah, that's how this whole thing goes. I think I just wanted to clarify that infertility is a kind of loss. You can't replace the baby that you lost. I realize the baby never physically existed, but he was there just the same. So, the addition of Reggie can't replace the lost child, but he can bring with him a tremendous amount of joy that makes life great. This is probably only someone who has gone thru infertility or lost a child thru miscarriage or otherwise can understand, but I figured I would throw it out there. Anyway, that was yesterday, and today is an "up" day.

We got 2 photos of our son today. They are from two months ago, but they are still awesome. We had an appointment to meet Joselyn at 3:30, but she called and said we could come earlier if we wanted to. (Duh?) So, we pretty much hopped in the car and met with her right away. It was great to see his fuzzy little head. He's wearing white and is on a white sheet, so it's kind of hard to get a real feel for his size, but there is no doubt about his fuzzy Korean head. It's funny how their hair sticks up like a little mohawk when they are babies. Hopefully he still has a little of that when we get him. I've made a ton of copies of the picture so Ken can have one on his desk, I can have one on my desk, one can be on the fridge, and we have extras to pass around. You can never have too many pictures of your kids, right?

It was very cool to be able to learn about his birth parents. We know where his b-mom is from, her schooling, her profession, her family, her parents, and even her height and weight. We also have some info about his b-dad. We are very lucky to have so much information. I think that there's a good shot that he might be able to find them if he wanted to. I think that would be great. She would know that he was ok, and he would know that he had been wanted. We also have a lot of information about his foster family. This particular family has 2 children of their own and has been taking in foster kids for 2 years. So, it seems like Reggie is in good hands. We will get updates on his development from her (thru the agency) as well as photos. The foster families receive disposable cameras when they receive the babies. This way the adoptive parents can receive photos while they wait or possibly get an album when they receive the baby. I hope we get more recent photos soon. I'm sure it will be a few weeks or more before that can happen though. I'm guessing it will be a while after they receive the pile of paperwork back from us before it happens. So, this weekend will be spent filling out forms and copying documents. Fun is!

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It's so fun showing everyone Reggie's picture! We don't normally carry photos in our wallet, but we both do now. It's so cute seeing Ken open his wallet to show his son to people! (ugh, he'll probably hate that I just called him "cute"!)

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Yae!! We finally finished the border in Reggie's room. We had that wall and small corner left for like weeks, so we hunkered down yesterday and did it. We also fixed all the curling on the other walls. So, as it turns out, we may have had a bad border. The second roll didn't curl at all - not even after it was put up either. The first roll curled as soon as it hit the water, never mind what it did on the wall. We just figured we were really bad at it, but maybe we weren't. We used some of the first roll for that small corner and it curled right up, so it wasn't like that last big wall didn't curl because we got better as we went along. So, we figure it had to be the paper.

MJ will be happy. I'm going to the fabric store today to get the fabric for Reggie's quilt. I picked out the pattern a while ago, and she lent me the square ruler probably a couple months ago, but I haven't done a thing. I had used the excuse that I was waiting for the referral, and well, we got that and still no quilting. I guess there was some leftover motivation from finishing the border, because I'm heading out at lunch today. I have the book right next to me to make sure I'm positive with the pattern and everything. Although, let's be real. It's not like buying the fabric and starting the quilt are really in the same ballpark or anything! Ha!

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Well we went to Baby's R Us Friday night and began registering. We were in Manchester doing some Father's Day shopping, so I flew the suggestion by Ken. I was surprised, but he was up for the challenge. We sat down and got all the info for registering, took our bar code gun and headed thru the store. It started off pretty good. We hit the baby monitors, Diaper Genies, and cups/bowls. Then we hit the more challenging stuff like car seats and strollers. We were there for like two hours, and all we really accomplished was the big stuff. We'll head back this week to finish it off, but at least that trip will be for more of the "fun" stuff. I was surprised how tired I was when we got home. The lady even commented on our glazed over eyes when we turned in the gun. There was just so much to look at.

We saw one really cool thing. We were looking at those port-a-crib things, and I saw this other thing. The guy said you couldn't use it like a crib, though, because the baby would be on the floor. I guess it was kind of like a "baby-tent". It has a little side zipper hole the kid can crawl into and a top. It would be pretty cool in the back yard. They have everything for babies these days, so I really shouldn't be too surprised.

Since he could be six months, we were trying to avoid buying the infant stuff and were looking more for the convertible stuff that can be used for infant and higher. It just doesn't make sense investing in the infant items since he'll only be using them for a couple months. Although, I apparently had much higher expectations for what a six month old is, so we will have to include some infant items. Who knew that he wouldn't be sitting up on his own and crawling around? Well, as it turns out, it was just me and Ken. Oh yah, people are getting quite amused from our ignorance. Hopefully everyone knows the penalty for laughing and goofing on us is one night of babysitting per offense!

I also started his quilt this weekend. It's all (except the borders) cut out and up on my design board. I had hoped to get it all assembled yesterday, but we were working on the garage doors. (Check out Ken's Kayak trip from 5/2/04 to know why.) So, I'm hoping to get that all sewn tonight. I may change my border choice, so that could put a little delay in the rest of the top, but it still looks like I should be quilting by Father's Day. That would be cool because then I have a shot at maybe that Yankee quilt before he gets here, too.

I got my first "mommy" thing. Yae! We were at Filene's, and I saw these cute silver charms. There were little girls with cute pigtails and little boys with baseball caps. Their bellies were birthstones. We had to search, but we found a little March boy. It's pretty cute.

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We headed back to Babys R Us tonight. We met my mother there, and she bought us our crib. We decided on the Picket Fences one. It's pretty exciting to think that in 7-14 days it will be all set up in Reggie's room. It will be cool to imagine him in it every time I pass by his room. Yae!

We also picked up a few other things that we left off on our last trip. Now that I'm finally getting it that he'll still be pretty small, there were a few more "baby" things we added. The stuff puts a max weight, but it usually doesn't list age. That makes it harder since I don't know how much kids weigh. I only know that he gained like 4 pounds in 2 months. I don't know if he'll keep going at that rate, or what. If he does stay at that rate, I guess he could weigh around 20 pounds at 6 months. So anyway, a lot of the stuff had a max weight of 25 pounds, so we figure we could put them on the list. You figure he can't keep packing it on that much every month, right? Although the doctor did say he's eating a "LOT". Our little pork chop!

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We got the crib call! It's ready to be picked up. The truck still has mulch in it, but Ken thinks it will fit in the back of my car. I'm not sure he realizes how small my car is, but hopefully I just don't realize how big it is instead. He's going to call and see if he can get the dimensions. That way he might be able to swing by tomorrow morning and pick it up. Otherwise, it probably won't happen until we get time to unload the truck. We haven't gotten a mattress yet, but it still would be nice to have it up to show everyone when they're over for Father's day. Eh, maybe Ken will have time to unload the truck AND run to the store tomorrow morning.

---- later same day ---

Ken came to my work, swapped cars, and headed over to Babys R Us. Surprise Surprise, the box fit in my car. The plan is to head back over there tonight on the way to a party to get a mattress. Pretty cool. It looks like it has a good chance for getting put together tomorrow. Maybe I'll hand my father a screwdriver and the box when he gets in the door tomorrow! (He's coming over for a Father's Day BBQ party.)

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So, Ken kind of had his first Father's Day this year. I know Reggie's not here yet, but technically, we're parents, so we decided to celebrate. It was OK, but I'm sure it's a lot better when there's actually a kid around! We'll count next year as a first too, and make up for the gap from this year. I made Ken a cute little gift as a goof for all the "Reggie-ness". No, we still haven't finalized a name! No, the crib isn't set up yet either. These things take time! Well, as far as things go for us, anyway! Ha! Although I'm sure we'll get the crib up way before we pick a name. My boss told me to buy something with a name on it to force us to decide.

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Jodi, my boss, got me some "sucky" cups. They were "buy 1 get 2 free", so she couldn't pass them up. She's so funny about all this. When the border had 1 wall left, she was on my case just about every day until we finally got it finished. Yes, she's been all over me about finalizing a name, too. She's the one with the strict rules about bottles and pacifiers. I think that's why she brought me the cups. She wants Reggie to be off the bottle by the time he is 1 and out of the crib by the time he is 2.

I laugh at her because our spoiled rotten little kid will probably be using a bottle until his 18th birthday, if he wants. I have all these rules planned in my head, but I'm sure when he looks at me with his pleading, little eyes, he'll get whatever he wants. So, be prepared world. We're going to be raising a monster! (a cute, little monster, but a monster none the less)

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We planned on assembling the crib today. Ken moved the box into our room, got the toolbox, and turned on the Yankee game. I settled into the rocking chair and took out my sewing. I even snapped a few pictures of Ken setting up. Ken likes to take all the pieces out and set them up. That way it's easier when he's following the instructions to find the piece he needs. Well, he notices that one of the pieces had a little gouge in it. We figured, ok, no big deal, we'll put that piece in the back. The crib won't be against a wall, but one side would be less obvious. Then as Ken was connecting the headboard and the footboard, we looked at the finish on the headboard. No way. We were ok with sucking up the one flaw, but the bad finish was too much. It wasn't due to the grain of the wood, it was just a bad stain job.

I knew it would bother me every time I looked at it, so back in the box it all went. We carried it downstairs, loaded it in the car, and headed back to Manchester. The killer is that we were at Babys R Us this morning fixing some things in our registry, so it really rotted having to make the trek an hour after we got back. We lug the thing to the service desk and they call the crib chick. As it turns out, we should have called them because they just order the parts and have them shipped to your home. It would have saved us a couple hours of our day and a lot of hassle. Oh well. Who knew it could have been so easy? So, now we have to wait until the parts get shipped to us. Hopefully they don't take too long, but we have time.

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We called Babys R Us about the crib on Thursday (it's Sunday today), and it wasn't pretty. They didn't see any info about anybody making any order for us. They looked into it and called us back the next day. They said the drawer bottom was on it's way, but the headboard had to be shipped from Italy and would be here in a few weeks. Well, it took less than two weeks to get a whole crib, so it didn't make much sense to wait more than that for parts. So, we told them we would just return what we had and order a whole new crib. They were really nice about it, but it's definitely a pain for us. Now, when the new crib arrives, we have to lug the old one back to the store - again. Blah. That sucker is heavy. Oh well, what can you do? At least we aren't in a big hurry for it or anything.

I finished Reggie's quilt on Friday! That was exciting. It took 5 weeks, which considering I hand quilted rather machine quilted, is good. I'm pretty proud of it. All my corners match up , so technically the quilt came out well. Now that's not a big deal to those who don't quilt, but for those that do, you'll understand my thrill. As far as the looks, it's pretty cool. It different from a regular baby quilt, so I like that. It isn't any of the traditional baby colors or designs. The back is definitely a boy's quilt, but you gotta have a little tradition, right? I'm starting his next quilt today. This one is more traditionally colored. It's basic beige muslin, a couple shades of blue, and a nice sea foam green. I was going to integrate an "I Spy" to the design, but I think I'll save that for another quilt. That's going to be a challenge because most fabric has such small designs, and I want to have at least a 6" block. So, imagine having a square of fabric that big with only one picture in it. It's not something you see very often. Hopefully I can finish this one as quickly as the first. I'm trying to see how many quilts I can do before he gets here. I have to admit I'm cheating a little bit. This one is smaller than the first one and has no border. That means less hand quilting, which is the time consuming part.

Ken and I went to a craft show today. (Yes, he's a trooper, isn't he?) I was looking for something to put in Reggie's room. Right now there's nothing on the walls. I registered for these blocks that match the border that I'll put on the wall, but there's still a lot of wall left. I was hoping to find some kind of shelf. We found this really cute blanket critter. It had a head and front feet attached to a really soft blanket. The bottom of the blanket had a tail and back feet. They were REALLY cute, but the eyes and nose were like these fake button-like things that could come off. I was bummed until we found another booth with something similar. That booth didn't have the feet and tail, but the face was sewn on, so it was safer. We got a giraffe. It's both cute and kind of funny.

Oh, so now I think the names are between Joshua and Jacob. It's funny because we put up a poll, and narrow it down to two names that nobody picked. Then, we set up a new poll with those two names and throw out the one that everyone liked. Yah, folks. Thanks for playing.... Sorry about that. We might set up yet another poll - "Guess When he'll Arrive". That might be a fun one. I have a bunch of stuff I still need to post, so once I get all caught up, I'll work on getting that up. (I still haven't gotten our Las Vegas trip up here and that was months ago!)

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Babys R Us called yesterday. Our crib is ready - again, so it was definitely a lot faster to just order another one. We picked it up, and it looks like it's all set. While we were there, of course, I had to add a few more things to the registry. I really want to make sure people have a lot of choices for the showers. I know it's more fun when there are a lot of things left to pick from, so I added some toys today. I think I'm really done now, though. I mean, there really isn't much more I can put on it except maybe a car for when he turns 16! Ha!

Ken is going to put together the crib later on today, so I'll try to get the bumper done this afternoon. I have no idea how hard it will be, but it's a kit, so it can't be that bad, right? While we were out, I needed ribbon for the bumper. I was surprised how much you can spend on ribbon. I forgot to write down how much I needed so we checked out a Simplicity pattern and figured it would be around the same amount. The first ribbon I picked out would have been like over $20 for the number of yards I needed. Yah, not spending that just to attach a bumper to a crib, although I did buy one roll of it just in case I came up with some other place I can use it...    :o)

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Ken assembled the crib, and it's set it all up. It looks pretty cute. I also worked on the bumpers. Those didn't go so well. I like how they look, but they just aren't as firm as a store-bought bumper. They kind of flop over. I'm going to do some experimenting to see if I can get them to stand up. I'm not sure we'll need them since he'll be older, but you never know. I guess he can get caught up if he's a restless sleeper. I've heard from both sides of the fence, so I guess we'll have to wait and see on whether or not they will be useful. If it turns out I need them and mine don't work out, I saw some I like. I'm trying to stay away from the ones that coordinate with the border because they don't sell the bumper alone. I would have to buy a whole lot of other stuff, and I think in a room that size, it would be "too much". I like to match, but I like it to be a little less forced, if that makes sense. The package includes a quilt, the curtains, a diaper bag, the dust ruffle, and the bumper. That's a lot of matching farm animals!

I signed up for a scrap booking class. Yah, like I need another hobby. I've been interested in it for a while, but I've been fighting it. I think it's something that I would get sucked into to the point of overkill. There are a ton of gadgets and gizmos, and way too much paper and embellishments to choose from. I already have an entire closet dedicated to my quilt fabric, so I don't know where I would store all the stuff for this hobby. Anyway, I kept thinking how great it would be to do it for Reggie. So, I signed up for a class at the store near where I work to check it out. I've already been to that store like three times scoping out the paper and albums. I've also been on-line trying to get ideas. The class meets tomorrow. I'm supposed to bring 8-10 photos. I only have two of the little guy, but I'm figuring I can stretch out the making of the crib, the bumpers, and the quilt into something. Can you feel me sinking into the pit?? Ugh! I can only hope that by the time his sister comes along I have some ambition left to at least make her something!

Oh, by the way, I think his name is Jacob. I'm not ready to firmly commit, but it seems likely.

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We knew the cats had already taken over the changing table, so we figured there was a chance that they would discover the comfy crib. Well, I get home yesterday and Ken tells me I have to check out some pictures he took. I look at them, and sure enough, there's a fuzzy guy in the crib. The first guess would be Skittles or Boomer since the crib rail was up. We just figured it was too big a jump for old Max. Yah well, apparently it wasn't so big after all. He was snug as a bug all tucked into the corner on the giraffe blanket. We'll have to figure out a solution for this. The changing table was ok, but we definitely don't want to encourage the cats in the crib.

I had that scrap book class. I like how my first page came out, but I need to redo the "Waiting" page into two pages. When I tell people about the class, I hear a common reply. I guess everyone has hundreds of dollars in supplies and tools all shoved in a box or drawer. I haven't bought anything except a glue thingy so far, so I feel pretty safe. I'm glad I went to the class to get started, but it really didn't teach me much. It's more of a thing where you do whatever you want, so it's probably hard to teach. Like I said, though, I'm glad it got me started. If you get behind, it would be really hard to catch up. I already know that by doing these web pages. Do you see our Vegas trip yet??

I had my first shower yesterday. It was a surprise, and let me tell you, I didn't have a clue. I mean, I'm in the house talking to people and still don't have a clue. I'm involved in the Youth Group at Church as one of the advisors. It's summer time, so the group pretty much takes that time off. One of my advisor friends, Connie, said she wanted to have a bbq party for the advisors and spouses. I was bummed because she used the date we had set aside for a kayak outing, but after whining, I said ok. Well, Ken and I pull up and there are a lot of cars. (If all the advisors went, there would be 4 cars including ours.) This woman gets out of her car at about the same time we get there. She's not an advisor, but I just figured Connie had opened up the party to some other Church folk. I assume everyone is out back, but the deck is empty. So, we go around the front and go in. I see a punch bowl on the counter, but I just figured someone had brought punch. It's a little odd for a bbq, but you never know. I plunk my pasta salad in the microwave as Connie is trying to pull me into her living room. I'm seeing other people in the kitchen, but again, I'm just thinking she opened up the party. I get in the living room and see the people, but it still isn't clicking. They yell surprise, and oh, I get it now. This is a shower for me.

It was pretty amazing how everyone kept it a secret. An email was sent to everyone in the Church (except me), so the whole congregation knew about it for some time now. I even talked to a bunch of them after Church not more than thirty minutes earlier. Not one person messed up and said see you later. I love surprises, so it was very cool. I think I'm a regular Sherlock Holmes, so I do my best to try to figure out stuff like that, but this one totally got me. I can't believe all the cool stuff I got. It was wild, especially since it was Church friends. I was a little overwhelmed with everyone's generosity, but at the same time it felt really good. I have many thank you cards to write, which of course, have already been started. You know me. I start strong, and then fizzle out, so I have to make sure I start things right away. Otherwise, who knows what will happen. I don't have any pictures from the shower. Ken didn't stick around and another advisor took all the shots. She is going to make me an album with them and some other stuff that went on. Isn't that nice? I know how much work it can be, so it's a really nice thing for her to do for me. I'm pretty glad I joined this Church. It's kind of a joke that it's like a cult, but I'm OK with that. It's filled with some really good people, so it's a cult I like being a part of.

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I have had 2 showers, and it's been pretty amazing. Everyone has been so generous and into this whole thing. It's so cool, and I still have 2 more showers to go! I know people sometimes dread going to showers. I get that it can be boring or another thing on an already long list of things to do, but speaking for myself, it's really appreciated. Well, for those of you who know me, I always love when its all about me. I mean, I know this is about Jacob, but me, Ken, Jacob, whatever. It's still involves me, so I'm happy. (Yes, the world of the youngest child!) Anyway, people have been really thoughtful with the gifts. We even got a bike helmet. How perfect is that for us?

There's just one problem with all of this. It makes me want him to hurry up and get here. I walk by his room and see all the cool stuff stacked up waiting to be used, and it drives me nuts. I've been pretty good about not thinking too much about arrival time. Ken and I just plug along trying to get different stuff done to prepare. We also spend time doing things that might be harder after he's here. So, our focus is still on the "waiting time" rather than the actual "wait". That sounds like the same thing, but it's really different. The time is a focus on getting ready, etc, while the wait is more a focus on him and why he isn't here yet. It's a hard thing to explain. Everyone wants to know why it takes so long. It's funny because it's only been 2 1/2 months, and some parents can wait like 10 months or a year after they've been given a picture of their baby. I'm not saying I also don't quite understand why it takes so long, but I realize government agencies work at a different pace. They are usually under staffed, and there's a LOT of paperwork. Jacob will be coming here on a Visa, so there's emigration as well as immigration to deal with on top of all the adoption paperwork. There's a lot going on that all has to be coordinated. I'm guessing there's also an order of things, so certain things can't be approved until some prior thing is completed.  When I go on-line I read some horror stories, but so far we haven't had any problems.  We double and triple check everything.  Nothing goes out in the mail that shouldn't, and nothing is left out.  Fortunately for us, Korea has much less paperwork than most countries.

We've become friends with another couple from our agency that is adopting from Russia. They went there a couple weeks ago to get their referral.  For Russia, instead of getting a photo, you actually go to the orphanage and meet your baby.  That's pretty cool, but then you have to leave, which is not so cool.  Right now they are filling out tons more paperwork that has to get sent out and approved before they get their baby.  A lot of that paper is stuff that looks like stuff they've already filled out, but of course it's slightly different because it's going to a different place.  Ugh.  I'm glad we didn't have to do that.  Going thru the paper once was enough.  Although it would have been pretty cool to have met him.  Plus, I'm sure they have much more photos than our two!  I can't wait to get together with them to see the pictures. 

We're starting to look at day care.  I sat down at work and planned out my work schedule after he arrives, so I know I need 3 days a week for day care.  There are a lot of options for this.  You can go the in-home route or the center route.  Both have advantages and disadvantages.  It's going to be a trip figuring this out.  I'm glad we're already starting.  It would probably be pretty hard to focus if we waited until after he was here.  It will be hard to commit to a place since we don't know when he'll be here, but we should be able to have a couple alternatives in case his spot gets filled while we're waiting for him.  Fun is, right?

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We got an updated photo in the mail!! How cool is that?? It came with a progress report from the foster family. So this info is different from what we get in his monthly medical report. It's a little more personal account of how he is doing. The report makes it seem like he is a really happy and healthy little boy, but here's a quick rundown of what it says:

• Rolls over well
• Stands up with help
• Tries to hold toys placed near him, but can't quite do it yet.
• Can sit on sofa for a short period of time.
• Shouts when in a good mood
• Watches TV well (so he's already into "Weiss mode")
• Sleeps from 9:30-10PM until 7AM and is fed once during the night
• Naps 1-2 hours twice daily (mommy's going to love that!)
• Likes to take baths
• Had a little cold, but is fine now

Ken and I spent the weekend in Jake's room. We put in a closet organizer to expand the space. It's great because now there are a bunch of shelves and two hanger bars. I picked up an unfinished dresser, but I haven't stained it yet. While Ken was hanging shelves, I took all the shower gifts out of their boxes and set them up. His little room looks so cool. There's toys on the closet shelves, little clothes hanging from the bars, and there's even a picture of him in a frame on his dresser. It's like his room is waiting for him! I even brought his stroller and high chair downstairs. I put Pooh Bear in the high chair. I know it's queer, but it's kind of funny at the same time. When Madison was here on Saturday, she took the high chair for a test drive. It was neat to see it being used because I can imagine Jacob in it.

Technically we can get the call any time now, so it's definitely getting to be an antsy time. Neither Ken nor I believe it will be before mid September, but it doesn't stop us from hoping for an early call. I can't believe it's been 3 months since we got the first photo of him! The time has really cranked by. I hope it continues to fly. I have a shower this weekend and another one the following weekend. So that gives me a couple things to look forward to that are short term. After that, though it's just the waiting. I think September will be insane. I started another quilt, so hopefully that will take up a chunk of free time. We still have to do the playroom, too. I figure if I plot out the "to-do" list, it will take me thru the next phase of waiting. tic toc tic toc .....

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This has been a most unbelievable week. Ken and I have gone from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. Obviously I won't be able to write even one millionth of what I feel due to my back, but I really needed to write something. Last Tuesday (17th) I get on my bicycle for my usual lunch time bike ride. I have my head down and am riding somewhere between 17-20 mph. I look up and see all is clear and put my head back down. It was not clear. I run into the back of a parked mail truck that was delivering mail. I hit it hard and hear the awful sound of crushing bone. I fall to the ground and can only feel tingling from the neck down. In a second, the tingling goes away, but I cannot move my right leg. Another second goes by, and I'm wiggling my fingers and toes. Everything works, but I hurt really bad. I end up in the hospital with 2 crushed vertebrae (T4, T5), a collapsed lung, and broken ribs. All the doctors are amazed that I survive the crash and on top of that I have full use of my body. Somehow I even manage to end up in my living room 7 days after the accident to begin my road to recovery. I am a very lucky person. I will set off airport screening alarms due to the rod in my back, but I'm walking and will eventually be riding again. We figure we have been given the greatest gift - the gift of life.

While we are celebrating that gift this morning (at home only one week after the accident), the phone rings. It is Wide Horizons. Jacob is ready to come home! He will be here next Tuesday (Aug 31). He flies into Logan Airport at 8PM. We look at each other and cannot believe what we are hearing. Our son is on his way home. Our son is moments from our arms. Well, I won't be able to hold my son for quite a few months, but he will be here! Right now I can only hope that he somehow understands my physical limitations prevent my incredible desire to hold, hug and squeeze him. It will hurt very much while everyone else holds him, and I can only sit back and watch, but I can only think how lucky I am. I have been given the rest of my life to be able love him..

We are beside ourselves with gratitude and thankfulness to God. I'm not sure what else you can say.

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